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matbon0013

The Lighter Side

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Murphy the bricklayer turns up at the local boozer after a hard days graft. He gets chatting to the landlord and sinks a few pints. He also notices Mick in the corner of the bar getting mouthy and abusive with some guy who so much as catches his eye. The landlord asks Mick to leave, and he leaves without further ado, saying that he was on his way anyway.

 

Murphy says to the landlord that he'll sort that Mick guy out if he comes back in again, and do whatever else the landlord may ask of him.

 

A couple of nights later, the landlord holds Murphy to his offer and says that he's got three problems he'd like him to sort out:-

 

Firstly, Mick came in again the night before and nearly started a fight.

 

Secondly, the pub's rottweiler is locked in the cellar with tooth decay and no-one dares go anywhere near it, never mind attempt to extract the offending tooth.

 

Thirdly, the landlord's mother-in-law is upstairs on her deathbed in the advanced stages of syphilis and would like someone to give to her her final taste of pleasure before she goes to meet her maker.

 

Murphy says that he'll manage to sort all three problems and promptly leaves.

 

Half an hour later he returns with a shovel and promptly sees off Mick in the corner. Then he goes down into the cellar closing the hatch behind him. The locals keep quiet as they listen to the commotion taking place below.

 

They hear the clanging of barrels, the breaking of glass and the dog at first growling, then howling. This continues for about 20 minutes or so, before Murphy finally emerges, mopping his brow, and out of breath.

 

"Are you alright there Murphy?" askes the landlord.

 

"I'm fine! Now where's the old lady with the poorly toot'?"

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Hyuk! Hyuk!

 

Two cowboys from Goondawindi walk into a pub to wash the dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices in the drought.

 

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

 

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

"No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

 

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

 

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

 

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.

 

His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.

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Difference in Work

 

 

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when

he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the

side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

 

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor! Please come over

here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to

the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and

asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts,

take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will

work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is

doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the

mechanic

 

"Try to do it when the engine is running". wink.gif

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Does not apply to every body, I guess!

 

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

 

The mother-in-law unexpectedly dies from a heart attack.

 

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

 

The guy says, "Thank you, but we'll ship her home."

 

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

 

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

headphone.gif

Edited by matbon0013

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A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

 

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgae , there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

 

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

 

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

 

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

 

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

 

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!" w00t.gif

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Quick Thinking

 

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The young man working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the young man ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the young man said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found his employee and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

Canada, sir," the young man replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," said the young man.

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Really??? Who'd she play for?" the young man quickly replied.

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Q: why is a 60 year old man's d*ck like a christmas tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: the balls are for decoration.

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Q: Why are a 60 year old woman's boobs like onions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: they make you cry.

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Good jokes matbon0013 and N@Z. lol.giflol.gif

 

adhoc's one liners are aweful. ppth.gif

 

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Courtesy of Kelly on Head-Fi:

 

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

 

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

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lol.gif

 

and wortel, ppth.gif

Edited by adhoc

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Get this!

 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Liverpool:

 

"Talking Dog for Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

 

"You talk ?" he asks.

 

"Sure do." the dog replies.

 

"So, what's your story ?".

 

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

 

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a pile of

medals. Had a wife, a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says, "Ten quid."

 

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap"

 

Because he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

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