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matbon0013

The Lighter Side

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Mr. Chew was walking around the form 2 block when he saw one of the form 2 class, 2 Omega, making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened....

 

Mr Chew: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.

 

Tuck Loong : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)

 

Mr Chew: You! I want you to come to my office now

Office Time :0900hrs

Mr Chew: What Is Your name?

 

Tuck Loong : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)

 

Mr Chew: Don't play a fool

 

Tuck Loong : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)

 

Mr Chew: Do you want me to beat you ?

 

Tuck Loong: "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)

 

Mr Chew:What did u say?

 

Tuck Loong :"WHAT!"(Stone Cold)

 

Mr Chew: Are you out of your head?

 

Tuck Loong : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)

 

Mr Chew: Who do you think you are ?

 

Tuck Loong : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)

 

Mr Chew: How many demerits do you want?

 

Tuck Loong: "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)

 

Mr Chew: Do you always play in class?

 

Tuck Loong : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I..."(Britney Spears)

 

Mr Chew: Do u think this is a party ?

 

Tuck Loong :"I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)

 

Mr Chew: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning

 

Tuck Loong: "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray)

 

Mr Chew: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come

everyday

 

Tuck Loong: "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)

 

Mr Chew: I want you to come alone

 

Tuck Loong: "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)

 

Mr Chew: It gonna be the two of us

 

Tuck Loong: "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)

 

Mr Chew: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking

 

Tuck Loong : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)

 

Mr Chew: I want you to promise me that you won't get into

anymore trouble.

 

Tuck Loong : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)

 

Mr Chew: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again

 

Tuck Loong: "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)

 

Mr Chew: You can go now

 

Tuck Loong : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)

 

Mr Chew: I said go!

 

Tuck Loong: "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)

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DADDY, WHY DID WE HAVE TO ATTACK IRAQ

 

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

 

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, honey.

 

 

 

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

 

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

 

 

 

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

 

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

 

 

 

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

 

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

 

 

 

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

 

A: To use them in a war, silly.

 

 

 

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

 

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

 

 

 

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

 

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

 

 

 

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

 

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons.

 

We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

 

 

 

Q: And what was that?

 

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

 

 

 

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

 

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

 

 

 

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

 

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S corporations richer.

 

 

 

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

 

A: Right.

 

 

 

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

 

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

 

 

 

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

 

A: I told you, China is different.

 

 

 

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

 

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

 

 

 

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

 

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

 

 

 

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

 

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

 

 

 

Q: Like in Iraq?

 

A: Exactly.

 

 

 

Q: And like in China, too?

 

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

 

 

 

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

 

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

 

 

 

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

 

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

 

 

 

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

 

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

 

 

 

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

 

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

 

 

 

Q: What's a military coup?

 

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

 

 

 

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

 

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

 

 

 

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

 

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

 

 

 

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

 

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

 

 

 

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

 

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

 

 

 

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

 

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

 

 

 

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

 

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

 

 

 

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

 

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

 

 

 

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

 

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

 

 

 

Q: Fighting drugs?

 

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

 

 

 

Q: How did they do such a good job?

 

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, theTaliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

 

 

 

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

 

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

 

 

 

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

 

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

 

 

 

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

 

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

 

 

 

Q: What's the difference?

 

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

 

 

 

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

 

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

 

 

 

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

 

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

 

 

 

Q: Who trained them?

 

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

 

 

 

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

 

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

 

 

 

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

 

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

 

 

 

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

 

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

 

 

 

Q: So the Soviets, I mean the Russians, are now our friends?

 

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

 

 

 

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

 

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

 

 

 

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

 

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

 

 

 

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

 

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

 

 

 

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

 

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

 

 

 

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

 

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

 

 

 

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

 

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

 

 

 

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

 

A: Most of the time, yes.

 

 

 

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

 

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

 

 

 

Q: Why?

 

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

 

 

 

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

 

A: Yes.

 

 

 

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

 

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

 

 

 

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

 

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

 

 

 

: Good night, Daddy.

 

 

 

 

 

Marilyn Kisters

 

Director of Procurement Systems

 

Indiana University Purchasing Department

 

400 E. 7th St.

 

Bloomington, IN 47405

 

Phone: 812.856.9342

 

Fax: 812.855.

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When Ralph first noticed that his "dong" was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his "dong" had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

 

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

 

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

 

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"responded the surprised doctor.

 

"Well,"said the wife coldly,"You ARE planning to lenghten Ralph's legs, aren't you?" ohmy.gif

Edited by matbon0013

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One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

 

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

 

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

 

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

 

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

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Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

A: Californians don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a jacuzzi.

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ok ok last one for the night.......

 

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman are chatting over a beer. The Englishman said "I was tidying my 12 year old daughters bedroom the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes...I didn't know she smoked" The Scotsman replied "I tidied my 12year old daughters bedroom last week and I found empty cider bottles...I didn't know she drank" The Irishman said "Well, I tidied my 12 year old daughters bedroom the other day and I found a packet of condoms...I didn't know she had a Knob!!

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A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

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A Panda went into a whore house and ate all the grub there then have sex and left. The lady went after him dictionary in hand showing the definition of a whore:-

A person who gives sexaul favours for money.

Panda show the lady the definition of Panda:-

An animal that eats shoots and leaves!

 

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and

my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get

many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This

continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus

comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the

bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr

Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying

really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?

With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the hell do they want with a

plasterer?"

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Clipped from the Naim Forum biggrin.gif

Fish Story

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do

you have any sales experience?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

 

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

 

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store

was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

 

The kid says, "One."

 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

 

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

 

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium

fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new

fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down

at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to

the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

 

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

 

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a

boat and truck?"

 

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I

said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

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A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

 

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

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An older lady moved in with her young adult daughter after her husband died. Her daughter insisted that her mother go to the doctor for a physical and check-up since she had not had one in many, many years.

The mother, being of an older generation, was not comfortable with this, but reluctantly agreed.

On the day of her visit, the nurse asked her to take her clothes off and put on a robe. The woman was very embarrassed, but did as she was asked.

A few minutes later, the doctor (a man) walked in and began the physical. It went very smoothly until the PAP smear began. As the doctor lifted up the robe, he smiled and said, "My, we're a bit fancy today, aren't we?"

The nurse with him also smiled and told the woman, "Got all fixed up for this, didn't you?"

The woman was mortified, and reported all of this to her daughter once she got home. The daughter asked her, "Well, what did you do before you left?"

The mother replied, "I took a shower and was all nice and clean. Why, I even used some of your feminine deodorant you had."

The daughter thought about this, and said, "Mom, I don't have any of that."

The mother showed her the can and the daughter began laughing! It was a can of glitter hairspray!

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

 

Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.

 

Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.

 

Hand Job: - $10.00.

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

 

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

 

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

 

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"

 

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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