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matbon0013

The Lighter Side

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N@z I like ur joke man keep it comin hee hee hee kicking.gifkicking.giflol.gif

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Okedoke last one for today...

 

An Arab enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous blonde woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

 

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OMFG ... nice joke N@Z but guys let it be wacko.gifwacko.gif

 

and 10 inches is way too long.. What would you do wrap it around you leg? tongue.gif

 

biggrin.giflaugh.gif 300th haha.gif

 

 

Moderator edit:

Other discussions have been deleted. Hijacking this post for the 'heads up'.

Edited by N@Z

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Especially for 'meish...

lazyboy.jpg

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No E-Mail

=======

 

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.

 

The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor. "You are engaged" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.

 

The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email". I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.

 

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round.

 

In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and ret urned home with 60 US$!. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.

 

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: ' I don't have an email'. The broker replied curiously, you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empireDo you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!! The man thought for a while, and replied:

 

An office boy at Microsoft!

 

 

The moral of this story:

================

 

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

 

M2 - Even if you don't have internet, and work hard, you can still be a millionaire.

 

M3 - If you read this message via the internet/email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire. Have a great day,

 

P.S.: Do not reply to this message/email, I am going out to sell Tomatoes!!!

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

 

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

 

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

 

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

 

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

 

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

 

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

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A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organisation...

 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

 

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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best laugh I've had in 3 days. Thanks N@Z I needs net. tongue.gif

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This is bad but...

 

 

A medical student was in his last year and performing minor diagnosis's in a small clinic. He comes to this guy with a cork in his ass. The student pulls the cork and he hears "...on the road again". Then he puts the cork back in and pulls it out again and hears "...seein' places that i've never been". So the student is absolutely shocked and he runs throught the clinic to find his professor.

 

He finally finds him and says "Professor...Professor...come quick, u have to see this". So he brings the professor over to the man and pulls the cork and they both hear "....on the road again". The doctor thinks for a second, nods, then walks away. So the student goes "Professor, where are u going..this is amazing!!" Then the professor says "No it isn't, any asshole can play country music."

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You've probably heard this one before:

 

 

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

 

The hooker says, "where's my money?"

 

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.

 

It says "gets paid for sex."

 

The koala bear takes the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.

 

It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

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i've heard the panda variation of that one..

 

only this time the panda enters a brothel and eats everything, screws all the girls and leaves without paying.

 

then the mama san chases him and shows him the definition of a hooker - 'gets paid for sex'

 

then the panda takes the dictionary and shows her the meaning of panda -

 

an animal that eats shoots and leaves.

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