Q00 0 Report post Posted September 26, 2004 Time for a return to non-seriousness The Mistress A husband and wife w ere having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??" "Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress. " Well, that's the last straw! ," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours," Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier!!" she replies Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted September 26, 2004 On Orchard Road at a busy bus stop, a beautiful Singaporean young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt wa! s waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover ;that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind o unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, an Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Australian smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted September 26, 2004 Good one mate! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 9, 2004 Once upon a time there was a really poor family. The mother had no money to buy underwear for her grown up son who was getting married. So she used a rice gunny sack to sew an underwear. On the night of the wedding, in the room before starting the baby making session... The wife fainted immmediately when the poor husband took off his pants, because... The gunny sack underwear covering his crown jewels stated : AAA Rating, Nett Weight 25 KG, Made In Thailand! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 15, 2004 I know how to use my PC I tells yah! Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's Still on my desk... sorry .... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? -------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on My computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2004 the ten paces back really cracked me up...haha Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2004 Quickie: One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of beer. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU B#ST#RD!!!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 29, 2004 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, what's the name of that red flower you give to someone you love? His friend replies, "A Carnation??" "No. No. The other one" the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that's red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted January 13, 2005 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." And finally, there was a guy who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted March 14, 2005 Some may probably have heard this one before hopefully though it has not been posted yet. Over Protective Father? One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter (Scottish cap/hat) at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely gorgeous - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... in other words, heart-stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. 'Right, you Jimmy... ' he shouts. 'Ah want you to m@$turbate.' 'But... ' stammers the driver. 'Do it now... or I'll bluddy kill ye!' So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to m@$turbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long. 'Right!' snarls the highlander. 'Do it again!' 'But... ' says the driver. 'Now!!' So the driver does it again. 'Right laddie, do it again.' demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent kn0b-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. 'Do it again.' says the highlander. 'I can't do it anymore, you'll just have to kill me.' whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. 'All right laddie,' he says. 'NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted March 15, 2005 Behind you A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over a kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
augustineRS 0 Report post Posted March 21, 2005 (edited) Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone. Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk. Man who put cock in Peanut Butter jar is F***ing Nuts. Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak. Girl who marry Richard must kiss d*ck. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches. Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key. Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers... War do not determine who right, war determine who left. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok Schoolboy who play with schoolgirl during wrong period, get caught red-handed. Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. He who farts in church sits in own pew. He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand. Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw. Passionate kiss just like spider web - lead to undoing of fly. Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip. If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient. Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts. Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get t*t-bit. Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff C**k. No difference between man and mouse - both end in pu**y. Nail on board is not good as screw on bench. Edited March 21, 2005 by augustineRS Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted March 31, 2005 At the end of the tax year the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the drippings? Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles". "Oh", replies the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on in his obnoxious way and said, "what about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah yes... "replied the Rabbi, realising the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "we collect them up and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and again they send us a free box of matzo balls" "I see... " said the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster this "know it all" Rabbi, "... well Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the left-over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here too, we do not waste", replied the Rabbi "What we do is save them all up and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete D!ck!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted April 15, 2005 Man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder, barman says, thats nice, what do you call it? Man says, i call him tiny. Barman says, why do you call him that? Man says, because his is my newt! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
