The Lighter Side

[adhoc 0]

[adhoc 0]

http://www.vjc.moe.edu.sg/campus_life/cca/...h/priceless.asx

 

right click on link and select "save as"..

 

enjoy!

Edited July 26, 2003 by adhoc

[ablaze 0]

FROM HEAD-FI AGAIN:

 

Girlfriend 2.0 - 4.0 Upgrade.

 

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is ran in background mode and the sound is turned off.

Unfortunately, I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both of them separately. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some form of timing incompatibilities.

 

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, and realized that no one in their right mind is installing new token rings, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

 

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program and the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way. This results in the immediate removal of both versions.

 

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

 

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts and I have never liked how GirlFriend is “object-oriented.â€

 

A year ago a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space: He can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it supposedly came bundled with a feature called FreeSex Plus.

 

Well, it turns out the resource requirements of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to trying installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

 

P.S. Watch out for the K-I-D-S virus because they have an insatiable appetite for memory and CPU time over and above everything else above

[Wortel 0]

head-fi has all the good jokers

[Wortel 0]

An inspirational story:

 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years,

and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my

friends encouraged me, and my fiance? She was a dream!

 

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my

mother-in-law to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all

she

was unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued

my curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

 

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the

wedding invitations. When I got there, I realised she was alone. As we

looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be

married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer

ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make

love to me just once".

 

I was in total shock .... what could I say? As I sat there

dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings,

just

come up and take me." Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she

wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to

do, and then turned around and went to the front door.

 

Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Amazingly, her

husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me

 

You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a

better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor

the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's

childhood home............... always, always, always, keep your

condoms in your car.

 

[matbon0013 0]

Cohen's nails have been manufacturing nails for centuries but recently business has taken a turn for the worse, order books are nearly empty and they are losing money hand over fist.

 

Old man Cohen is in dispair.

 

His youngest son Jacob has just turned 13 so is now a man.

He tells his father that he has a great idea for the company that will turn their fortunes around

 

He says that his father should take a holiday somewhere nice for a month to relax and leave him to it.

 

So his father takes the next plane out to the Caribbean; he has nothing to lose.

 

When the month is up he phones his son before boarding the plane to come back to London.

 

Jacob announces that order books are full and business is booming.

 

His father asks how this could be so.

 

Jacob just says that when he lands at Gatwick, he'll see for himself.

 

So Old Man Cohen lands and walks into the arrivals lounge with his baggage.

 

He looks up to see billboards everywhere with a picture of Jesus on the cross

 

"COHEN'S NAILS ESTABLISHED FOR 2000 YEARS"

 

 

Anyway,

 

Cohen is absolutely furious and dismisses his son instantly,

 

"I will not accept such profanity!"

 

A few months later and business is again dire, order books are empty etc

 

Jacob says, "Dad, give me another chance!"

 

Cohen, again at wits' end, decides that he has nothing to lose, gets on the next plane to the Caribean, leaving his son in charge who promises that there will be no pictures of Jesus on the cross this time.

 

After a month, before boarding the planeback to Gatwick, he phones his son

 

"Dad, Dad! Business has never been so good!"

 

"Have you kept your promise?"

 

"Yes, Dad, Trust me. You'll see when you get back. There are no pictures of Jesus on the cross I swear!"

 

He lands, enters the arrivals lounge and looks up

 

He sees pictures everywhere of an empty cross, Jesus flat on his face...

 

"SHOULD HAVE USED COHEN'S NAILS"

 

Edited July 28, 2003 by matbon0013

[N@Z 0]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, so the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[Wortel 0]

AHAHAHH No N@Z

 

COHANS NAILS keep it up boys

 

Did anyone like mine??

[N@Z 0]

It's good but I heard it before. My jokes are predominantly of adult/dirty nature. I suggest the other mods to take it out should they deem it inappropriate!

 

 

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.

 

The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"

 

The lawyer says "f**k the Boy Scouts!"

 

The priest says, "Do we have time?"

 

 

[Wortel 0]

OH N@Z!!! dirty boy

[adhoc 0]

 

good one N@Z!

[matbon0013 0]

SON : Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

 

DAD : Sure Son, What's the question?

 

SON : What's POLITICS?

 

DAD : Well Son, let's take our home as an example: I make all the final decisions on important matters-So let's call me MANAGEMENT

 

Your mother spends most of the money, so let her be the GOVERNMENT

 

We take care of you and your needs - So let's call you the PEOPLE

 

We shall call our maid Clara, the WORKER

 

And we call your Baby Brother, the FUTURE

 

Do you understand what POLITICS means now?

 

SON : I'm really not sure. Dad I'll have to think about it.

 

That night awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see

what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep.

 

Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the maid's room. He peeked through the keyhole, and saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went unheard by his father and the maid. So he finally returned to his room and went back to sleep.

 

The next morning at the breakfast table?

 

SON : Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS.

 

DAD : That's great Son! Please explain to me in your own words.

 

SON : Well Dad! While MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKERS, The GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is full of sh*t...

[matbon0013 0]

Blues Guy this is for you!

 

Quasimodo running down the street, group of kids chasing him...Quasi shouts back "f**k off I haven't got your ball"

 

[Blues 0]

Nice one mat!!

[N@Z 0]

LOL!

 

Next, not for under 18's

 

 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

 

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.