Blonde Jokes

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I think the joke thread is great but my favourite (besides adult orientated) jokes are about Blondes (Blondes have more fun? Cheyah!) so if you know any post them here. Let me start...

 

 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

 

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Rats, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

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Predictable but hey, don't 'knock' a blonde...

 

 

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were

a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

 

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.

 

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

 

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but...

I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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Q:Why is a blonde like a hurricane?

A:Because when she comes it's wet and wild and when she leaves she takes your house and car!

 

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Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?

A: They pull up their pants.

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Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?

A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

 

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Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A: A Visitor.

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Whoa!

 

 

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

 

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

 

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

 

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

 

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

 

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

 

"You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch the ball."

 

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.

 

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

 

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."

 

 

That 'Duh" got me in the end!

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

 

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

 

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

 

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

 

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde ?"

 

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

 

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

 

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"

 

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

 

"So then?" asked the doctor.

 

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

 

"So then?"

 

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some

trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about

various chainsaws.

 

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why

don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get

the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred

cords of wood for you in one day."

 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the

trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two

cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong

with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two

cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the

morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

 

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and

cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only

manages to cut five cords.

 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it

would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will

take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and

explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,

removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it

looks fine."

 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man

responds, "What's that noise?

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when

 

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

.

 

........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

 

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

 

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

 

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."

 

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

 

The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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Q: What do you call a smart blond?

 

A: A golden retriever