The Lighter Side

[augustineRS 0]

A COUPLE of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

 

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

 

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

 

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

 

[matbon0013 0]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.""No sh*t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'""Keep going!""I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. ' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'" "What next?" begged the bartender. "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

 

 

 

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?

 

 

[augustineRS 0]

There are three major races in Malaysia - Malay, Chinese and Indian.

 

The Malays have the political power and so they set up the party UMNO, which literally means "U Must Not Object".

 

The Chinese, on the other hand, controls most of the economy and they called their party MCA which means "Money Conquers All".

 

Then there are the Indians who have no say in politics or economics. They set up their party called MIC. Hence, every parliamentary meeting the Indians would ask: "Must I Come?"

 

[augustineRS 0]

A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a

worldwide message centre wanting to send an urgent,important message to

her mother in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would

cost around US$100/=. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind

of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in

China! "

 

The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked,

"Anything?"

"Yes, I promise ... anything ! " she said.

With that, the Italian said, "Follow me."

He led her to the next room and said, " Come in and close the door."

" Get down on your knees ! " he ordered. She did.

" Unzip me ! " he said. She did.

Then he said, " Go on...take it out. "

She did and

grabbed it with both hands excitedly.

The Italian closed his eyes and whispered, " Go ahead girl,

what are you waiting for ?"

 

Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and

said loudly ...

" Hello....hello Ah Mah ..can you hear me ? "

 

[augustineRS 0]

The First Malaysian in Space

 

Mahathir finally sends a Malaysian into space courtesy of the Russians. Finally, after months of training, the Malaysian astronaut and a chimpanzee are blasted off into space.

 

Once in orbit, the Malaysian waits for instructions. The screen flickers and the instrucions are flashed on it:

 

"Chimpanzee, execute space manuever No. 23B"

 

The chimp takes over flight control and carries out the manuever. The Malaysian astronaut is impressed but patient... he knows his instructions will come and they'll probably be more complex than what the chimp just did.

 

The screen flickers again and more instructions appear:

 

"Chimpanzee, carry out scientific experiment No. 234"

 

The chimp goes to the lab and mixes chemicals and carries out all sorts of complex scientific experiments. While he's doing this, the Malaysian astronaut is impatient. He speaks to Ground Control tru the comm link: "Eh Control, how come I got nothing to do man... train for so long but the monyet does all the important work but I'm smarter than the monyet"

 

Finally Ground Control responds: "Be patient, your instructions are coming soon"

 

Finally, the monkey rejoins the Malaysian astronaut and they wait for the instructions from the screen.

 

THe screen flickers and the message appears....

 

"Prepare for new instructions...."

 

A small door under the screen opens. Inside, there is a compartment with a wrapped item inside.....

 

"Malaysian astronaut, remove the item and unwrap then wait for further instructions"

 

The Malaysian astronaut unwraps the item and finds a banana inside. "Must be biogenetic banana" he thinks...

 

The screen flickers again....

 

"Malaysian astronaut, please feed the monkey"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Malaysian in Space

 

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

 

3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

 

Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

 

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."

"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.

"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.

"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

 

So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.

"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.

"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"

 

"You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."

"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

 

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"

Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."

Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"

Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."

 

 

Hope no malaysians here take offence

[augustineRS 0]

Guys since i've feedback that they find the jokes offending, if the mods sees it, and wishes to have it remove, i've no comments.

There is no intend on my part of malice nor showing disregard to people of other nationality

 

I apologise to those that find it offending.

Edited January 13, 2004 by augustineRS

[augustineRS 0]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[augustineRS 0]

A REALLY huge muscular man with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

 

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

 

The man asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

 

And the clerk ignores him.

 

Finally, the man storms off in anger.

 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the man asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

 

Guys need more jokes leh

I beginning to feel like i'm a USELESS POSTER

[N@Z 0]

Good idea... it's been a while, I'm sure someon has heard this before...

 

 

Nine months ago Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

 

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

 

"Yes, I do."

 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

 

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

 

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

 

"She just died and left me everything."

[augustineRS 0]

William Hung Homepage(by supporters)

William Hung American Idol!

 

I don't know whether to call it a joke, but it was down right funny.

I salute him for his guts!

Edited February 2, 2004 by augustineRS

[augustineRS 0]

A NEWLYWED couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

 

 

 

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

 

"Shh!" said the bride, "all the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin.

 

"In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, why don't we say, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

 

 

 

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

 

 

 

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife, who rolled over and fell asleep.

 

 

 

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself so she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

 

 

 

"No, thanks," said the husband, "It was only a small load so I did it

by hand".

 

This might appeal to working/coperate climbers:

 

WHEN design engineers get together they often talk about football.

 

When middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

 

When top management meet they talk golf.

 

Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become.

 

 

 

 

 

[Q00 0]

Its been a while since we had a laugh..

Here's mine

================================================

 

After a really romantic dinner, a husband and wife are all over each other.

They can't keep their hands off each other and they jump into bed and start

getting all snugly. The passion is really heating up.

 

They get to quite an intense point, but then the wife stops and says, "I

don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

 

The guy says "WHAT??" The lady replies "You need to get in tune with my

emotional needs as a Woman " .

 

Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as

well deal with it.

 

So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

 

She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.

 

Then they go over and get matching shoes! worth $200 each, then they go to

the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

 

The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does

not care.

 

She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but

OK if you like it then let's get it." The woman is jumping up and down so

excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

 

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

 

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

 

The woman's face goes blank.

 

He Continues- "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look

on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

 

The husband calmly says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as

a Man".

 

[augustineRS 0]

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'

 

The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.'

 

'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.'

 

'Very good,' she says again.

 

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'

 

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'

 

[augustineRS 0]

Me again!

 

Sex is like a restaurant.

sometimes u get full satisfactory service,

and sometimes you have to be satisfied with

self-service.

 

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on the cover of cosmo.

Son on the cover of sports illustrated

Mistress on the cover of playboy

and .... Wife on the cover of " missing persons "

 

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?

to separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

 

Teacher: what do you want to become?

li'l Johnny: doctor!!

Teacher: why?

li'l Johnny: its the only profession where u can tell

a woman to take off her clothes and ask her

husband to pay for it

 

Woman complaining to dentist it's so painful, I'd

rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.

Dentist: make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair

accordingly.

 

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her

tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A

VIRGIN.

The engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "

 

A kid asked the priest "father, what is your pastime? "

the priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied "

Nun, my child, nun "

 

75 yr old man happily got married to a 15 yr girl.

On their first night both were crying. why???

Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

 

[N@Z 0]

This is a telephone conversation between a boss and the child of one of his employee...

 

An employer, concerned with the best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,

"Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice,

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

The small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked,

may I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise? "

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed hushed voice the child answered,

"The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,

What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle...

"Me."