The Lighter Side

[jasonhanjk 0]

The next news in Singapore:

 

LTA announces new ERP system for pedestrian. From next month, everybody will be fitted with IU on top of their heads. Fifty cents will be deducted for every 10 steps a pedestrian takes. The new system will accept Cashcard or EZlink cards.

[N@Z 0]

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

 

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

 

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

 

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

 

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

 

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

 

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

 

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

 

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

[jasonhanjk 0]

Good one N@Z.

[N@Z 0]

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.

 

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

 

One of the men immediately replies: "No. You see, your problem is you should have been taking golf lessons instead."

 

[Q00 0]

guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

 

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-you're in."

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

 

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

 

 

 

 

erm......Oh, about two minutes ago...

[Q00 0]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

 

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

 

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

 

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

 

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*tch to death with the chair!"

[Q00 0]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

"But, officer, I just wanted ..."

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Q00 0]

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[Q00 0]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

 

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little snot, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

 

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

 

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

==========

 

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

 

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

 

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy?

 

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

 

===========

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a wee."

 

==================

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father.."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

 

==================

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

 

[Q00 0]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

 

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead

 

[augustineRS 0]

TWO squirrels are sat in a pub having a drink. One of the squirrels is very drunk and turns to the other and says "i've slept with your mother!"

 

The other squirrel tries to ignore the other squirrel. This abuse keeps going on for about 20 minutes until the sober squirrel turns to the drunk squirrel and says "Look dad you've had too much to drink go home!"

 

 

[augustineRS 0]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,

and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he

decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too

personal.

 

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and

bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for

herself.

 

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the

gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,

 

the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

 

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I

would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones

that are easier to remove.

 

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the

pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly

 

soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

 

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other

hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

 

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away

as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

 

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope

you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

 

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

 

 

[N@Z 0]

Muahahahaha!!!

[Q00 0]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

 

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s*ck them gently.

 

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[Q00 0]

First of all...sorry N@Z!

 

on to the joke :

 

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,

and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could

still have sex three times a night.

 

Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too

forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go

back to my place."

 

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even

better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls

in your left hand and my d*ck in your right hand."

 

Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".

 

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have

even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was

wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can

have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your

left hand, and my d*ck in your right hand."

 

Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The

results are mind blowing.

 

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks

"Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left

hand and your d*ck in my right stimulate you while

you're sleeping?"

 

Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut

from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."