The Lighter Side

[N@Z 0]

Muahahahaha!

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This one is not Politically Correct but it's current events related...

 

 

A Man gets a new stereo system for his car which plays a song of the genre you say. Hes driving along and says to his stereo "country & western", dolly parton comes on. "great" he says.

Driving along he says "pop", britney spears comes on. Great he thinks to himself. "rap", and eminem comes on. Now hes happy.

So, hes driving along and all of a sudden a little kid runs in front of the car, he swerves panically and shouts "f*cking kids." Michael jackson comes on!!!!

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A man walks in to a dentist and says "I think I'm a moth"

The dentist replies "you don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist"

The man replies "i know"

"So why did you come in here" asks the dentist.

"The light was on"

 

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When is it bed-time at Neverland ?

 

"When the big hand takes the little hand"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's a joke, ok?

[Q00 0]

How does a mother buffalo say goodbye to her son?

 

Ans: Bison

[augustineRS 0]

Why is Darth Vadar and Micheal Jackson alike?

 

 

In every black man, there's a white man.

[augustineRS 0]

I'VE been treating the wife kind of harsh lately, so I asked how would she like a romantic walk under the stars.

 

"That would be lovely," she said

 

I said "Good, its your turn to take the dog for a walk."

 

 

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Speaking of matrimonial harmony enhancing products

Pfizer have lost a trademark case and have had to rename one of their products.

 

Henceforth Viagra is to be known by its chemical name of Mycoxaflopin.

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Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.

 

He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from

humanity as possible.

 

Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.

 

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night ... Thought you might like to come...About 5:00..."

 

"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

 

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya... There's

gonna be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink

with the best of em."

 

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

 

Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be

there. Thanks again."

 

Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

 

"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea.

"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

what should I wear?"

 

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

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And.....

 

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

 

 

 

Boys pants 1/2 off.

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One for the Rugby fans...........

 

An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do

their Christmas shopping. Whilst in a sports shop, the son picks up an

England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an

England supporter and I would like this for Christmas" His sister is

outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go

talk to your mother" Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt

in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going

to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas" The

mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and

says, "Go talk to your father" Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand

and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an

England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father

is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son

of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they

are all back in the car, heading towards home. The father turns to his

son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have" "I've only been an England supporter

for an hour and already I hate you Aussie b*st**ds

 

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Especially for lekguan -

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

 

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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

 

 

 

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[augustineRS 0]

A MOTHER had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

 

Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

 

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good ‘till the last drop".

 

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size".

 

She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived with "British Airways" scrawled on it in shaky writing.

 

Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

 

Mum fainted.

 

 

[augustineRS 0]

TWO beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers.

 

These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.

 

Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.

 

"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I sh*t on them".