N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 29, 2003 A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 29, 2003 Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me. Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan! Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this? Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent. Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about? Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital. Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!! Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you? Mr Sori : Im Sori. Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name! Mr Sori : Im Sori!! Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name! Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI !!! You didnt even give me your name! Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy. Mr Sori : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company. Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there. Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!! Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis! Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. "how bout that!? Toot....Toot....Toot................. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted October 29, 2003 A nude lady stop a cab and aboard it. Since the cabby is a man, he was staring with his eyes wide open at this unbelievable site. Feeling uncomfortable at the stare, the nude lady spoke harshly at the cabby and demand him to start driving. Feeling paiseh, he told the lady: "I was trying to see where you gonna take the money out and pay me...." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted October 29, 2003 Ministers from USA, UK and Singapore were travelling on a Warship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were when their cordial discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers. The President of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!". The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him frantically. After the successful 10 rounds the 3 star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!" The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said: "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!". The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit? I juz bought my 4-room and I am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself!" The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now,that's what I call guts!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 "A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends it." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 I think this one's been around before but is a 'goodie'. An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't havea license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 Hehehe... here's one for ya: The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off her. Every time she came in the room, he'd nearly jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make an unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man, he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man ..." The repairman salivated in anticipation, "Yes, yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..." "Yes, yes!" "Would you please help me move the refrigerator?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive... Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. ''Yes,'' the photographer said. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 A trucker picks up a hitchhiker... A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted October 30, 2003 Wahahaha! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 31, 2003 Since its Halloween, tot id add in a few related jokes... (OK so im actually im a few hours late..geez ) Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to? A: Wrap! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 31, 2003 One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted October 31, 2003 Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. ? The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive." The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
