Q00 0 Report post Posted October 31, 2003 Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite... Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy... How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray... What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck... Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately... Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with... What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries... What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving... What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein... What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?" What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer... Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves... What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends... What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts... What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel... What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane... What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds... What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime... What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich... What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone... What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets... Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath... What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure... Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 1, 2003 There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av98m 0 Report post Posted November 1, 2003 The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 1, 2003 Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 5, 2003 An English lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says. The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted November 5, 2003 One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir." The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said,"Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!" So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted,"Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the b*stard!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted November 5, 2003 A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia motel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walked into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide.The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania". The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist? "The man says,"I mount animals". The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 A salesman came across a house that had a large amount of cars parked outside it, intrigued he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner. Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter. After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars. "Well" she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car." The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks "What does the bet entail?" "All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does." "Is that all? How old is your son?" "He's only seven." With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?" "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom." The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son. "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse." Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy, put your hand in my bra." Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt" Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same. "Now Tommy, I want you to bend your willy." The salesman hands her his keys. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 NS jokes There was an incident involving a really fat reservist. He had collapsed from heat exhaustion so we stripped him naked and gave him a cold shower in the BCU. The MO instructed me to send him to hospital. While he was being loaded onto the ambulance, he mumbled that he wanted to pee. The MO didn't want to do a catheterization and passed him a plasctic bag instead. While on the ambulance, I tried to maintain the guy's modesty (he was still naked). After looking around, I decided to cover his body with a blanket. When we got to hospital, I was scolded by 2 Filipino nurses in the A&E. They said I shouldn't cover someone with a blanket when he's already overheated. Before I could explain, they pulled off his blanket and saw....... .......a big fat naked man lying on the stretcher with a little plastic bag covering his p*nis. As you will all remember, medical centres use plastic bags with "TOTAL DEFENCE" printed on them. The 2 Filipinos shierked and ran around like headless chickens for a bit. After calming down, they tried to find some hospital clothes for the man. Unfortunately, he was so fat the only fitting garment around was a peach maternity dress. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 Our squad was maneuvering on foot near LCK at night during an exercise. We were all nicely camo and face painted, making our way to our objective and came upon a parked car in a distance away. We immediately heard the unmistaken sound of love making. (The couple must have thought that this is really an isolated place and winded down the window and the guy was making all kinds of moans that were loud and wild.) One, of my men, Mark, determined not to waste the opportunity asked me for permission to recce the car. I agreed and we all leopard-crawl towards the car silently. Mark was gungho (no doubt he wanted the best seat in the house) took lead and was next to the car and rose slowly up to peek at the fervent couple and give us the thumbs up signal. We followed closely behind. The couple was at it in a doggie position. We couldn't see the girl clearly as the guy's back was facing us. But we waited patiently, all arosed & proud of our ability to sneak in silently and peak. About a full minute later, we heard the girl's voice and saw the girl when they changed position slightly. But she turns out to be a he! It was a gay couple at it. Mark was shocked and digusted & instinctively shouted KNN, which alerted the couple of our presence. Both parties were now shouting! In the midst of disgust, disappointment, shock, confusion. I shouted "fall back fall back". We all backtrack like crazy & disappear into the jungle half cursing, half laughing at ourselves. From that day whenever Mark asked us for a show, we wld reply, what kind? and have a good laugh. Till this day, we still laugh at the incident when we were back in reservist. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 fren:"callsign..requesting for medical assistance..over" hq :"callsign..wats ur problem..over" fren:"callsign..ar i got ingrown toenail and requesting for a nail clipper to remove it..over" hq :"callsign..do you wan a manicure?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Q00 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 i cant stop laffing at the 2nd and last joke... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 6, 2003 A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!" The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted November 7, 2003 A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong. "I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what f*cking planet are you from and what do you want?" The little man answers, "Your driver's license, please ....." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
