The Lighter Side

[Q00 0]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

 

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

 

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you

to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

 

"Triple filter?"

 

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student,

it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to

say.

 

The first filter is Truth.

 

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

 

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

 

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

 

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

 

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

 

"No, on the contrary ..."

 

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but

you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because

there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.

 

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

 

"No, not really."

 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true

nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

 

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high

esteem.

 

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[Q00 0]

In view of the exam period i thought that this might lighten up their studious days... hehehe

 

 

 

after an exam,

 

Dad, "Hey, so do you have any problems with the questions?"

 

Son, "Nope."

 

Dad, "Wow ... then you must have done very well."

 

Son, "But ... i do have problems with the answers ..."

 

[lekguan 0]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

[Q00 0]

Dunno if this has been posted before...

 

At last!.......Bill Gates is dead.

 

 

He went to the sky and God met him. He said then " Bill, I'm confused about what to do with you. You put a holy computer in almost every home, yet you created the demonic windows. So, I'm going to do something I never did before, I will let you go anywhere you like!".

 

Bill got so relieved. He asked God " What is the difference of the two? ".

 

God says : " Oh, but why not show you and let you decide yourself! Let's start from hell, shall we? ". Bill was surprised! Hell was a great sunny beach with crystal clear and warm water where hundreds of girls were running around, playing and smiling! He says " If that's hell, I can't wait to see heaven! ".

 

God says " Let's go to heaven then! ", and so they where in Heaven. A grassy great plain, thick white clouds, a nice blue sky and angels moving around playing soft tunes with their harps. It was sure nice but not attractive to a man as hell.

 

Bill then says " God, I think I'd rather be in hell. ". So God says "As you wish!" and Bill went to hell.

 

After 2 weeks God decided to check on him. He goes to hell, he found him tied with chains on a wall full of spikes and was tortured by demons. Flames where burning him and insects crawling over his naked body. So God asks " How are you doing Bill? ".

 

Bill answers in horrible pain and despair " It's awful, that can't be hell! Where are all the nice girls and the beach and the clear water???? ".

 

So God says " Oh, that! That was the screensaver!

 

[N@Z 0]

This is an oldie

 

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED".

 

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

 

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

 

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

 

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

 

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

 

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

 

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

 

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[lekguan 0]

Yeah, oldie, I've heard that 3-4 years back.

[N@Z 0]

Sigh! Didn't I mention that already?

 

 

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

 

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[matbon0013 0]

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

 

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

 

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

 

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

 

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

 

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

 

 

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

 

P.S.: Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Edited November 18, 2003 by matbon0013

[matbon0013 0]

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

 

 

 

Boys pants 1/2 off.

[N@Z 0]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

 

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

 

The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

 

"What in the heck am I doing?"

 

he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[matbon0013 0]

This bloke walks into a pub goes up to the bar and orders a white wine and sits down to relax. All of a sudden out of nowhere this music starts playing, it's the most beautiful music this guy has ever heard, were talking absolutely fantastic music here. The guy looks around the room to see if he can see where this music is coming from and over in the corner is this guy on the piano playing the music.

 

The man walks over to the piano player and begins talking to him:

 

Man: "that is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard!"

 

Piano Player: "thanks"

 

Man: "what is the song called?"

 

Piano Player: "it's called Take it up The Arse You b*tch !"

 

Man: "you can't call it that!"

 

Piano Player: "look mate, i'm a piano player, I wrote the song, I'll call it what I like!"

 

Man: "ok, fair enough"

 

So the bloke walks back over to the bar and sits down and continues to drink his wine. 5 mins later he hears another piece of music, this song is EVEN better than the last one, it is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL piece of music the guy has ever heard, he is nearly brought to tears at the shear beauty of it. Curious again the man walks over to the piano player and asks what the song is called?

 

Piano Player: "this one is called I'm gonna cum on your chest you SLAG! "

 

Man: "you can't call it that!"

 

Piano Player: "look mate, I told you before, i'm a piano player, I wrote the song, I'll call it what I like!"

 

Man: "ok, fair enough, now look I have a problem. I'm having a big party this friday night with hundreds of guests and I haven't got a music act for the gig yet, I would love for you to come and play some music for the guests, I'll pay you well but on one condition"

 

Piano Player: "whats that?"

 

Man: "you can't tell any of the guests what the songs are called, they would be so offended if they found out"

 

Piano Player: "fair enough, see you on friday!"

 

So friday comes and all of the guy's guests have arrived, when the Piano Player walks in.

 

Man: "Great just in time, guests are here, piano is there, off you go!"

 

Piano Player: "I can't yet"

 

Man: "why the hell not?"

 

Piano Player: " well.....you see...............I can't play the piano until I have had a wank!"

 

Man: "you what?, don't be stupid, get up there and play the piano!"

 

Piano Player: "look mate, its just a thing I HAVE to do, if I don't have a wank I can't play the piano, thats just the way it is!"

 

Man: "Oh for gods sake, look theres the toilet, go in do your business and get out here and play the god damn piano"

 

Piano Player: "ok!"

 

So the piano player goes into the toilet to do his business, 10 mins later the is still in the toilet, the man is getting very frustrated by now and decides to go see what the hell is going on. He gets to the toilet and bangs on the door.

 

Man: "oight mate, come on the guests are waiting"

 

All of a sudden the door opens and out staggers the piano player looking an absolute state, his hair is all over the shot, his shirt is torn and ripped all over, his trousers are undone and he is tottaly covered in his own spunk.

 

Man: "Jesus look at the state of you, what do you think your playing at?"

 

Piano Player: "what?"

 

Man: "Do you know your d*ck's hanging out and your covered in spunk?"

 

Piano Player: "Know it mate?, I f*ckING WROTE IT!"

 

RATED R

[Q00 0]

THE PERILS OF DATING

 

AMERICAN WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

 

JAPANESE WOMEN

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.

Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.

Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she'll bid you

sayonara, as that was her last fling as getting married to a Japanese man tomorrow.

 

MALAY WOMEN

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised.

Then you will marry her and find out that you have

to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat

the procedure three more times as allowed under Islamic law!

 

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but

nothing happens too.

Third date: You have already realised that nothing's going to

happen.

 

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: You meet her parents.

Second date: The date is set for the wedding.

Third date: It's your wedding night!

 

HONG KONG WOMEN

First date: You lose all your cash in your wallet.

Second date: You max out all your credit cards.

Third date: You clean out your bank account and you still can't

get to first base.

Three weeks after your third date, you die from SARS.

[jasonhanjk 0]

Mat,

 

Sperm can be used to create wonderful piece of music.

[N@Z 0]

Good 1 Q00!

 

 

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

 

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, d*ck, we're leaving."

[Q00 0]

Ok this happened to a friend of mine so i thought id share this with u all...

 

 

 

I was barely sitting down on the WC when I hear a voice from the other

cubicle saying: "Hi, how are you?"

 

I don't know what got into me, so I answered him,

"Not bad! wassup.. "

 

The guy replies: "So wassup with you?"

 

What a question?

 

At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre

so I say: "I'm like you, trying to relive myself here..."

 

Then I heard the guy said nervously...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back,

there's an idiot in the other cubicle who

kept answering all my questions, bye...."