The Lighter Side

[Q00 0]

A Vampire Bat

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I f*cken didn't"

 

 

[Q00 0]

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

 

 

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent... 12 calories

Without partner's consent... 187 calories

 

UNHOOKING BRA

Using two calm hands... 7 calories

Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

 

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner... 1.5 calories

Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories

Using skateboard... 3 calories

 

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories

Losing erection... 14 calories

Searching for it... 115 calories

 

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection... 1.5 calories

Without erection... 300 calories

 

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it is:

Experienced... 6 calories

Inexperienced... 73 calories

If a man does it... 650 calories

Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

 

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS

Bouncing... 7 calories

Sliding around... 9 calories

Serious skidding... 12 calories

Whiplash... 27 calories

 

ORGASM

Real... 27 calories

Faked... 160 calories

 

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off... 35 calories

Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories

Orchestra swelled... 6 calories

Birds sang:

Large birds... 7 calories

Small birds... 3 calories

Earth moved... 30 calories

 

PULLING OUT

After orgasm... 0.5 calories

A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

 

PENIS ENVY

For woman... 3 calories

For men... 72 calories

 

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories

Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories

Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories

Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

 

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories

Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories

Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories

Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories

Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

 

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner's spouse... 60 calories

By your spouse... 100 calories

Trying to explain... 55 calories

Trying to remain calm... 100 calories

Leaping out of bed... 75 calories

Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories

[N@Z 0]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

 

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[jasonhanjk 0]

wahaha, good one N@Z!!!

[Q00 0]

School of Life

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

 

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 

 

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

 

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

 

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

 

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

 

 

SHOPPING MATH

 

 

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

 

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

 

 

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

 

 

HAPPINESS

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

 

 

LONGEVITY

 

 

 

Married men live longer than single men do,

 

but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

 

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, and she does.

 

 

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 

 

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU

 

ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[N@Z 0]

I hope this isn't a repetition, at 19 pages & going I aint gonna check!

 

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and sadly no one makes it. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.  

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what his wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God gets halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.  

 

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.  

The guy calms down and says:"Make 'em all ugly again"

[Mike 0]

Read this the other day:

 

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

 

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

 

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

 

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

 

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

 

[peekarwe 0]

Good advert. Funny like heck.

[matbon0013 0]

Hah! Good one that peekarwe

 

ANYBODY GOLF's?

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.

 

Well, it was like this", said the man.

 

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows.

 

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

 

That's when I made my big mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.

 

I don't remember much after that...

[N@Z 0]

You have to be in character when you read this one...

 

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau: "Does your dog bite"?

Hotel Clerk: "No".

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau bowing down to pet the dog: "Nice doggie".

[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand.]

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau: "I thought you said your dog did not bite"!

Hotel Clerk: "That is not my dog".

[N@Z 0]

Jackson Update:

It is being reported that Michael Jackson is about to become the father of quadruplets. You thought it was bad when Michael was on the hotel balcony dangling a baby, now he is going to juggle them.

[Q00 0]

Its been a while since i last posted a joke hehe...

 

===================================

Dear Mom,

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my

new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his

skin diseases, piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be

very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood

for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and

that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for

all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

 

 

 

 

PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report

card that's in my desk drawer.I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come

home.

 

[Q00 0]

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[Q00 0]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[N@Z 0]

The Italian Job...

 

 

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

 

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

 

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

 

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts...

 

 

scroll down...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(With a cockney accent)

"Oi, you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!!"