The Lighter Side

[Rameish 0]

N@Z and AdHoc,

 

Not complaining but the quality is going down a bit on the last 2. Still funny though

[Wortel 0]

I'll find some funnys for you guys tomorrow. Liked the panda thingy.

[matbon0013 0]

A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message.

 

"Would you repeat that?", the operator asked.

 

"Not if I can help it, " said the mother.

[Wortel 0]

> > Subject: Zen wisdeom

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > 1.

> > Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

> > Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

> > Do not walk beside me either.

> > Just pretty much leave me alone.

> >

> >

> > 2.

> > The journey of a thousand miles

> > begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

> >

> >

> > 3.

> > It's always darkest before dawn.

> > So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,

> > that's the time to do it.

> >

> > 4.

> > Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

> >

> >

> > 5.

> > Always remember you're unique.

> > Just like everyone else.

> >

> > 6.

> > Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

> >

> > 7.

> > If you think nobody cares if you're alive,

> > try missing a couple of car payments.

> >

> > 8.

> > Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

> > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

> > shoes.

> >

> > 9.

> > If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

> >

> > 10.

> > Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

> > Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

> >

> > 11.

> > If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth

> > it.

> >

> > 12.

> > If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

> >

> > 13.

> > Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

> >

> > 14.

> > The quickest way to double your money is to fold

> > it in half and put it back in your pocket.

> >

> > 15.

> > A closed mouth gathers no foot.

> >

> > 16.

> > Duct tape is like the Force.

> > It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

> >

> > 17.

> > There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

> >

> > 18.

> > Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when

> > your lips are moving.

> >

> > 19.

> > Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

> >

> > 20.

> > Never miss a good chance to shut up.

> >

> >

> > 21.

> > Never, under any circumstances,

> > take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

> >

> > 22.

> > Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[N@Z 0]

5 Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at the American border & were met by a pair of redneck guards.

The 1st guard stops them & tells them "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means 4".

"Quattro is the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the redneck guard "Quattro means 4. You have 5 people in your car & you are therefore breaking the law"

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the guard "He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Rameish 0]

Good one N@Z

[matbon0013 0]

Murphy asks Paddy what's the odd one out between a cup, a knife and a potato

Paddy says the potato of course

Murphy says no it's the cup

You can make chips with the other two......

 

[adhoc 0]

but you can have a 'chipped' cup what..

or make porcelain chips with it..

[matbon0013 0]

adhoc, good analysis

You will go far

[matbon0013 0]

Irish theme tonight?!?

 

Paddy the poacher walks into a pub with geese in his big coat.

 

A bloke says, "If I can guess how many geese you've got can I have one?"

 

Paddy replies, "If you can guess how many I've got you can have the both"

[N@Z 0]

DUH!

 

 

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

 

[N@Z 0]

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle

Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

[N@Z 0]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

 

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

 

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

 

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[tee 0]

Oh...no wonder having sex is no brainer.

[N@Z 0]

Not new but some may not heard of it before...

 

 

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

 

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

 

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

 

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"

 

 

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," The fireman says: "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think he could pull more." The little girl replied: "You're probably right, sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Edited August 15, 2003 by N@Z