The Lighter Side

[Wortel 0]

That last one.

[matbon0013 0]

Three Ducks walk into a bar and ask for three pints of Lager. "Sorry", says the bartender,"we don't serve Ducks here". But we're talking Ducks and would make a great tourist attraction.

 

"OK" says the bartender, "we'll give it a try". Turning to the first Duck the bartender asks his name and if he has had a good day. "Tom" replies the Duck, "and I've been in and out of puddles all day, had a fantastic time".

 

"What about you" he asks the second Duck."My names d*ck and I've been in and out of puddles most of the day, had a great time.

 

The bartender turns to the third Duck and says "and I suppose you are Harry". "No" says the third Duck, "I'm Puddles and I've had a terrible day.

[N@Z 0]

Another oldie but goodie:

 

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

 

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

 

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

 

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

 

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

 

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

[matbon0013 0]

Hmm I'm not instigating ok!

 

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

 

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

 

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

 

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

 

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

[tee 0]

N@Z, i am a bit confused...are THOSE made of rubbers ?

[tee 0]

Mat, for the benefit of those underaged like adhoc, mychew and Blues, you may want to provide a clear definition of the word "masturbate", otherwise they may think of it as alternative way of listening to cans.

 

 

Mod edit:

No discussion please unless followed by a joke posting.

Edited August 17, 2003 by N@Z

[matbon0013 0]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite

cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,

he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here,spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he

could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . .

 

 

"F--k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

[tee 0]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

 

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

 

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

 

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

 

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a musician."

 

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

 

[tee 0]

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.

 

"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"

 

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."

 

"And the other?" said the customer.

 

"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."

 

"Holy moly! What does that one do?"

 

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

 

 

[tee 0]

Software Upgrade

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

********************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech! Support

[N@Z 0]

So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

 

"Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

 

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

[N@Z 0]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

 

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

 

 

[adhoc 0]

wah lao! you guys are fantastic!!!

 

we should start an offshoot of sgheadphones: sgjokes.

[matbon0013 0]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last

instruction of

the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint

on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to

lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

 

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

 

"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm

can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

 

"Nice t*ts", says the man, "where do you want this blind?".

[Wortel 0]

I think its my turn to get some jokes.