jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted August 24, 2003 Just for laugh.... no offences yah... ********************************************************************** He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam in the hotel's coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him and started a casual conversation. Malaysian: "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?" Singaporean: "Of course." Malaysian: "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them across to Singapore." The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face, while the Singaporean listened in silence. Malaysian: "Do you eat the jam with the bread?" Singaporean: "Of course!" Malaysian (Chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell them across to Singapore." This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?" Malaysian: "Why, of course, we do." Singaporean: "Do you wear protection?" Malaysian: "Of course, we wear condoms." Singaporean: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Malaysian: "We throw them away, of course." Singaporean: "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them across to Malaysia, and that's the real reason why we ban chewing gum in Singapore." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasonhanjk 0 Report post Posted August 24, 2003 TRUE! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted August 24, 2003 The topless mugger. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted August 27, 2003 In a trial, a southern small town, prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died... At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted August 31, 2003 A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted September 3, 2003 A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted September 4, 2003 It could happen! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted September 6, 2003 Safe sex! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matbon0013 0 Report post Posted September 6, 2003 N@z how about this? Psalm 129. Holy. A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129." The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129" Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matbon0013 0 Report post Posted September 10, 2003 A man took his Teenage Daughter to see the Doctor. Doctor ask: Is your Daughter sexually active? Man replys: No, she just lay's there like her mother! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Blues 0 Report post Posted September 10, 2003 N@z, Those 2 pictures are really Funny man !!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N@Z 0 Report post Posted September 10, 2003 Glad you like em... A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth". So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over......... "Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf...........can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matbon0013 0 Report post Posted September 11, 2003 An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "There is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." (Wait for it............) (scroll down) "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
