The Lighter Side

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A man telephones his office and says,

"Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick."

"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.

"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister

[Blues 0]

...

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Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy." Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my God... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

 

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In the Garden of Eden one day, God visited his most beautiful lake. He was horrified to see Eve swimming there ...

He shouted out to her, "Get back to land! NOW!!"

She swam back as fast as she could and stood before her Maker, cold, wet and shivering. "Yes, Lord?"

God chastised His daughter,"Eve! Do you know how long it took Me to get those fish to smell like chicken? NOW look what you've done to them ..."

 

COURTESY OF N@Z

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2 pounds fifty for three pints,a scotch,and steak and chips with all the works,well cheap my man!

By the way,"where's the guvnor of the place ?"

"he's upstairs with my missus,"

"what's he doing up there with your missus?"

"same as I'm doin down here, with his bleedin business, innit."

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from the Naim Forum

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

> He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

> The cop asked, "What's he like?"

> The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big t*ts."

[N@Z 0]

Definitions By Gender

 

 

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing football without a helmet.

 

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

 

BUTT (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

 

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

 

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

 

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

[tee 0]

[N@Z 0]

 

 

[tee 0]

Hi folks, beware when you're working for a dotcom start-up...

 

[matbon0013 0]

Did you hear of the undertaker who made coffins for lesbians.........

 

No screws - Just tongue and groove!

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Pitty the dog :

 

 

[N@Z 0]

This didn't qualify in the blonde joke thread...

 

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude."

 

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

 

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

 

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

 

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.

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[jasonhanjk 0]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) '

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to(maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.