The Lighter Side

[lekguan 0]

Your child N@Z?

 

Some more from that newsleter:

 

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You

are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to

know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great!

Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

 

.... "No," replied the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two rules for life:

1.Don't tell people everything you know.

2.

 

==========================================

[N@Z 0]

Nope, mine's 6 yrs old in october.

 

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

[ablaze 0]

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

OT: this head-fier did it in 30s!

http://www.cubemaster.com/davidmiya.mpg

[matbon0013 0]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

 

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm

too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

 

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While

Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

 

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he

Failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

 

She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

Agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

 

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

principal and Harry both agree.

 

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

 

Ms Brooks: "What is in your trousers that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

 

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

 

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

 

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

 

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

 

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

 

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

 

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

 

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you

Blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

 

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a

quiver.

Harry: Arrow

 

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Edited September 19, 2003 by matbon0013

[jasonhanjk 0]

My god. Good one mat!!!

[Rameish 0]

Fire Truck one word??? Hmmm... send the teacher back to 1st grade! it's raining here so I'm in a foul mood okay. N@Z, where are the jokes. I need them. Just got a project cancelled - so no money - wanted to listen to music - but it's raining with lightin activity. No new posts to read. Daughter is asleep. Guess I'll go hit that nice whiskey from Matbon - here's to you Mat!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2003 by Rameish

[N@Z 0]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

 

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host

could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

 

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

 

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

 

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

 

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

 

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

 

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

 

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

 

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

 

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

 

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was

shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

 

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

 

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

 

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

 

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

 

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

 

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

 

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!

[N@Z 0]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

 

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

 

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

 

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

 

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

 

"NO! Get away from me!"

 

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

 

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

 

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

 

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

 

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

 

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

 

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[N@Z 0]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

 

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

 

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

 

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[Rameish 0]

Last one Thanks.

[N@Z 0]

One for the road...

 

 

HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

 

English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

 

Spanish . . . . . . .. . Te Amo

 

French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

 

German . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich

 

Japanese . . . . . . .. .Ai sh*te Imasu

 

Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo

 

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

 

Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

 

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: ... Nice t*ts!

[N@Z 0]

Chastity

 

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

 

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

 

He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

[Q00 0]

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address.

 

They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

 

These Are Actual E-mail Addresses

 

Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)

eatonsht@dku.edu

 

Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)

cumminme@fu.edu

 

George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)

blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

 

Mary Ellen d*ckinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)

d*ckinme@iup.edu

 

Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)

kissinfk@lvu.edu

 

Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)

beeranbj@myplace.com

 

Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)

aspicker@pu.edu

 

Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)

ibballin@bsu.edu

 

Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical Division, Overton

btkisser@bendover.com

 

Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)

ihadcock@tru.com

 

[jasonhanjk 0]

I like the last one Qoo...

A woman have something she should not have....

[Q00 0]

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

 

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

 

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

 

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

 

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

 

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

 

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

 

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

 

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

 

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

 

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

 

Women think all beer is the same.

 

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

 

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

 

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

 

Women brush their hair before bed.

 

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

 

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

 

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

 

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

 

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

 

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

 

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

 

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

 

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

 

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

 

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

 

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

 

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

 

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

 

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

 

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

 

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

 

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

 

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

 

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

 

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

 

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

 

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

 

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

 

Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

 

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

 

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

 

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a

black tux, get me out of here!'